Be inspired ;)

Holiday Magic – Generosity and Appreciation Create Attraction!

Surely generosity and appreciation are important in all our relationships, and regardless of our gender, but in dating these qualities are attraction pillars, and they can create magic when two people start dating. 

Right from the first date a woman will instinctively be very tuned to a man’s expressions of generosity, and a man will instinctively be very tuned to a woman’s expressions of appreciation. An appreciative woman is very attractive to a man. A generous man is very attractive to a woman.

Men want to please women, and they are willing to go to great lengths to make a woman happy. In return they hope that their efforts will be appreciated. Appreciation makes men feel successful, and success in courting increases their masculine confidence, which in turn motivates them to initiate more contact with the woman. Women love confident men, so this works great for both genders. 

Most women need to know that the man finds them physically attractive. This promotes their confidence in their femininity. When a man is generous with a woman, she knows that he finds her attractive, and she gains this feminine confidence, which also appeals to him. Again, this works great for both genders.

So in the initial stage of dating when two people seek reassurance that they appeal to each other, they can best get this reassurance through gestures of generosity on the man’s side and appreciation on the woman’s side.

Some obvious gestures of generosity on first dates are paying for the evening, listening, and being chivalrous (showing courtesy, consideration, courage and grace).
  

Men too want to see the woman reciprocate their interest in her. They are happy to initiate and show generosity if their good intentions are valued. A woman's appreciation is the best reward for a man, and he is thus encouraged to make more efforts to please her. For an appreciative woman, a man will do a lot. But he'll be reluctant to do even a little for a woman who ignores his efforts, or worse, criticizes them.

In today's dating culture we see fewer and fewer gestures of generosity as well as less appreciation between the genders. If more women show more appreciation, and if more men show more generosity, communication between the sexes will be a lot more rewarding. 

It is in the interest of both the men and the women to cultivate these qualities since without them, moving from dating to a deeper relationship, and sustaining it, will be very difficult. For generosity and appreciation do not only promote attraction; they can also predict how two people will behave later in the relationship. If a man is not generous while courting the woman, chances are he wouldn't be generous with her later too. Similarly, for the guy, if a woman is ungrateful during the initial stages of dating, most likely this is what he could expect as their relationship firms. 

The dating process is made of one date following another. On each date the man’s goal is to create enough attraction for the woman, so she wants to see him again. The first opportunity for a man to create attraction is to show initiative and ask the woman out. The second opportunity is to show his generosity on their first date. And there are more opportunities along the dating process for a man to create attraction for the woman (this is discussed in depth in the men's dating course).

For the woman it is much simpler and easier. She is not expected to take the risk and ask the guy out and face rejection (what a relief). All a woman has to do to reciprocate, is be warm and appreciative towards the man. On their first date when he opens a door for her or pulls a chair for her to sit on, it is much better received when she smiles and welcomes the gestures than when she mumbles that it is not needed... After the man pays for her, it’s great when the woman clearly thanks the man while smiling and says she has enjoyed being there with him (please, please avoid complaining about the food even if you didn't find it fascinating). For she is not thanking him for saving her $30 but rather for conveying to her in this way that he has enjoyed her company and would like to see her again. By showing appreciation she in turn signals to him that she values his gestures and is happy, and she thus gives him the green light to ask her out again. 


That’s all it takes to have a successful first date: if you're a man show generosity; if you're a woman show appreciation!

Happy Holidays :)

Copyright 2011 The Single Option. All Rights Reserved

Is he interested in me?

"I have recently signed up for a personal trainer at the gym and he is cute and I wanted to know if he may be interested in me.  

He is extremely friendly, and touchy… Now I know that they are supposed to be touchy but it's a lingering touch, like he will touch my elbow to get the right movement, but even if I am doing the exercise correctly his hand will stay there...or on my back... Or he will stand face to face with me so close it makes me nervous but he doesn't move or anything... I get nervous so I am the one who ends up moving back! He is always smiling and what really distracts me is how he is constantly smiling when he talks to me...  Sometimes he'll get lost in his thought and forget what he was doing, and once he even said that he forgot what he wanted to say. He says stuff like "you and I are gonna have a great time here at the gym". He tells me random stuff about himself too.  Other trainers when watching him with me say: "oh make sure he doesn't work you TOO hard" and then laugh... Maybe that's just a men’s thing...

I know trainers are supposed to be friendly / flirty to keep their clients sign for more sessions but I've already signed up for 3 months… Is he flirting with me? Or just being nice? I tried reading body language clues but tam not sure."

I get this question all the time, from men and from women. In today’s dating culture most people want to know if the other person is interested. They want to know it to avoid rejection because they are afraid to get hurt. But without risking there's no gain! Both genders need to understand how their confused ideas about gender roles play a critical part in their frustrating dating experiences.

My advice

You are right to be confused! It used to be that when a guy found a woman attractive he would make a move which she could safely interpret as a sign of interest. But how can a woman tell that the guy is interested if he doesn’t make a move????

She can’t. Whether he is very friendly or flirts with her makes no difference. Bottom line is: he still has to make that first move to show his romantic intention. 

So when you’re describing what happens between you and your trainer at the gym, and you want to know if this is flirting or just being friendly, I have to ask you: why does it matter? And if he flirts with you, would you ask him out? Would you ask for his phone number? Why is it important for you to know if he may be interested in you?

If you were a guy asking this question, I would give you a very different answer. You see, a guy does need to know if the woman is interested in him, because if she is, he feels there is less risk for him in making that first move that he knows he is expected to make and that he really wants to make too. So for a guy, distinguishing between a flirty and a friendly behaviour of a woman is very critical. It may signal to him to go ahead, or to abort action. 

As a woman you choose the man. By flirting with him. And he then chooses you back. By expressing his intentions. If you want to signal to your trainer that you are interested in him, then you should be the one flirting with him. He should then make a move. And that’s it – peace on earth. The only way for a woman to know that a guy is interested in her is to be asked out by him!

Your trainer probably feels at ease flirting with his clients and has been doing it for a while, and he may use the gym (his work) environment as a safety blanket. If he met you at a bar I’m not sure he would be so flirty. He may be flirting with you to keep you as a client, or he may be flirting with you to get your attention. But he shouldn’t flirt in any case!  To keep you as a client all he needs to do is provide an excellent service, and to get your romantic attention he should pursue you, not flirt with you. 

Flirting leaves the initiative to the other person, which in this case is you. By flirting with you he surrendered his masculine role of making the first move. This initiative, of making the first move, is extremely important to men, because when the woman says yes, they feel successful, and this further builds their confidence, which in turn encourages them to make a pass yet at another woman.  Women, on the other hand, need to know that they are attractive, and the only way to know it, in the very initial stage of dating, is when they’re asked out.

I don't recommend you make the first move, even if you're interested.  Eventually, even if he is shy (many guys today will flirt with a woman but won’t make the move) he should get past his shyness and ask you out. Otherwise you'll never know if he responded to your initiative, or was equally attracted, but just shy.

If you are not interested in him, I suggest YOU decide that you only go there for training, and that you don't let his behaviour make you feel uncomfortable. Just relate to your workout as a workout, and don't attempt at interpreting his body language. Another thing you could do is switch to another trainer. You can tell your trainer (as a tease) that you decided to do this because you want to focus on the workout...  and see his reaction. This may motivate him to make a pass at you after all, since if he is interested in you, the best way to get him into action is to show your interest in him through flirting.

Women flirt; guys pursue!

Copyright 2011 The Single Option. All Rights Reserved

How to approach a woman?

Why is it always about sex???

“He's sweet and I know he really loves me and really cares because his actions show that he does. But sometimes in the middle of our fight after we stopped arguing and start talking about other things, and when I am still not completely OK about the argument – he says something like, "I have a question to ask but I know it's probably not the right time to ask it"  and me, knowing what he wants but giving him the benefit of the doubt, I answer "what is it?" and then he says "are you in the mood?" and then I remain quiet and then he thinks he did something horrible and he blames himself and he's like "I know I shouldn’t have said it. I understand it's not the time to ask this question and I did anyway and I understand that you need your time and I am sorry."

And when he becomes hard on himself it upsets me even more, because I have to deal with the fact that he keeps asking for sex when it's not the right time and he knows it, and I have to deal with the fact that he's being too hard on himself and it makes me feel bad because I don’t want him feeling like he's a problem. But at the same time we will be focusing on how upset he is instead of how upset I was in the first place...

What do I do to let him know that I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX OR TALK ABOUT SEX after an argument without hurting his feelings? It’s a turn off when he is all about sex especially when I am upset."

This is an excellent question to illustrate how men and women are different and how these differences bear on their relationships. As our gender behaviour is unlikely to change, it makes sense to understand how we're different, so we can accept these differences and respect them, and even celebrate them!

My advice:


Men often get attracted to their partner after a hot discussion. They simply get hot with it... Some men like a feisty woman, and most men are turned on by a passionate woman, so when she argues it just makes her sexier for them...

The other reason, why men want to have sex after quarreling, comes from another difference between men and women. Men argue, kiss, and forget; women need their partner to care for them emotionally following an argument.  Most women need their emotions to be settled first before they are able to move back to physical closeness.  If a woman is emotionally happy, she will be more inclined to get closer physically. This is something a lot of men are not aware of. And you can explain this to your boyfriend. Explain to him that after having an argument, you most appreciate when he tells you such things as: "I understand how you feel" or "I am sorry this has upset you; how can I make it up to you?" And really think  what you would like him to do for you. He just needs to know. Tell him: "when I get upset I prefer that you do this or say this". 

Now, the best time to talk things over is NOT after you fight! The best time to raise the subject is when you're having a great time, because you want to remain as positive as you can, with the intention of understanding each other and finding out what you can do for each other. Always try to discuss directly what bothers you. The only condition is that you find the right time, and NEVER after you fight.

Last comment: to be in a healthy relationship both partners need to be emotionally healthy. He might have some agenda that's deeper than men-women’s differences, which perhaps cannot be handled by you, and may need help (therapy). For example he may be trying to manipulate you into sex by making you feel guilty for refusing, subconsciously hoping that this will eventually work.  However I recommend that you start by discussing the emotional differences between men and women (perhaps even read a book together) as very often talking things over helps a couple to open up, become more aware, and as a result, be more compromising. Without compromising you can't have a good relationship!

Copyright 2011 The Single Option. All Rights Reserved