August 09, 2011

Why is it always about sex???

“He's sweet and I know he really loves me and really cares because his actions show that he does. But sometimes in the middle of our fight after we stopped arguing and start talking about other things, and when I am still not completely OK about the argument – he says something like, "I have a question to ask but I know it's probably not the right time to ask it"  and me, knowing what he wants but giving him the benefit of the doubt, I answer "what is it?" and then he says "are you in the mood?" and then I remain quiet and then he thinks he did something horrible and he blames himself and he's like "I know I shouldn’t have said it. I understand it's not the time to ask this question and I did anyway and I understand that you need your time and I am sorry."

And when he becomes hard on himself it upsets me even more, because I have to deal with the fact that he keeps asking for sex when it's not the right time and he knows it, and I have to deal with the fact that he's being too hard on himself and it makes me feel bad because I don’t want him feeling like he's a problem. But at the same time we will be focusing on how upset he is instead of how upset I was in the first place...

What do I do to let him know that I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX OR TALK ABOUT SEX after an argument without hurting his feelings? It’s a turn off when he is all about sex especially when I am upset."

This is an excellent question to illustrate how men and women are different and how these differences bear on their relationships. As our gender behaviour is unlikely to change, it makes sense to understand how we're different, so we can accept these differences and respect them, and even celebrate them!

My advice:

Men often get attracted to their partner after a hot discussion. They simply get hot with it... Some men like a feisty woman, and most men are turned on by a passionate woman, so when she argues it just makes her sexier for them...

The other reason, why men want to have sex after quarreling, comes from another difference between men and women. Men argue, kiss, and forget; women need their partner to care for them emotionally following an argument.  Most women need their emotions to be settled first before they are able to move back to physical closeness.  If a woman is emotionally happy, she will be more inclined to get closer physically. This is something a lot of men are not aware of. And you can explain this to your boyfriend. Explain to him that after having an argument, you most appreciate when he tells you such things as: "I understand how you feel" or "I am sorry this has upset you; how can I make it up to you?" And really think  what you would like him to do for you. He just needs to know. Tell him: "when I get upset I prefer that you do this or say this". 

Now, the best time to talk things over is NOT after you fight! The best time to raise the subject is when you're having a great time, because you want to remain as positive as you can, with the intention of understanding each other and finding out what you can do for each other. Always try to discuss directly what bothers you. The only condition is that you find the right time, and NEVER after you fight.

Last comment: to be in a healthy relationship both partners need to be emotionally healthy. He might have some agenda that's deeper than men-women’s differences, which perhaps cannot be handled by you, and may need help (therapy). For example he may be trying to manipulate you into sex by making you feel guilty for refusing, subconsciously hoping that this will eventually work.  However I recommend that you start by discussing the emotional differences between men and women (perhaps even read a book together) as very often talking things over helps a couple to open up, become more aware, and as a result, be more compromising. Without compromising you can't have a good relationship!

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